Stop. Dicking. Around.

I frothed myself into a fury walking to the farmers market this morning. Imagining the local Republican Party there and seeing myself say, what is the party position about these mass shootings?

If you’re not in the US or you’re in the bubble we’ve had two in the past 24 hours and three this week.

I felt the rod of righteousness within me and said yes, no one else is going to ask so I can be the bearer of truth.

And I walked by and saw the same three elderly people there that look my grandparents who I’ve seen when I go. The same three innocuous people and I got my cucumbers and I did take time to look at their sign and I left.

I’m getting older and wiser and for me that means seeing that giving my anger to other people doesn’t shift what I’m angry about.

It’s wild, I thought it did. But when I give my anger to others what I’ve seen is that I often make them defensive and angry too and shut down possibilities for whatever I was hoping to shift.

So now here I am with my cucumbers and kupati and what I want to share with you is my clarity, from my anger.

What I’ve seen is that clarity can powerfully shift things. And what I’ve seen to is that it helps to come from a place of enough to do this. Enough food to eat. Enough money to pay bills. Enough love and emotional security to feel connected.

Here’s what I want to share:

I am so unkempt emotionally and heart sore over this weeks violence.

I see very clearly how the world needs all of us who feel called to bigger soul work to SHOW UP and STOP DICKING AROUND with the small questions and concerns that hold us back from our Calling.

People are literally dying. This is happening everywhere. It’s sheer arrogance and misunderstandings of the fragility of life to think we are guaranteed tomorrow or next month.

And, because this path isn’t linear, there may be things we are called to do that don’t feel related at all.

I have been in my work of showing up bravely for the past two years and now I’m being called to vast lifestyle shifts. A strict anti inflammatory gut healing process, dramatically more stillness and less phone time, meditation, ritual. And this stuff scares the shit out of me - every time I’ve been this supported in my eating and sleep and so on I feel like I’ve seen too much. The woo has been off the charts.

And you know what? The things I’ve read in the past 24 hours (which I decline to recount because I am trying to not further spread the pain) these are things that need to matter and for me that means busting through the places that I have been stuck. Understanding my resistance serves no one. Deciding to show up for what I am called to do in a world that needs more people of integrity.

Can I share something with you?

When I started thinking about what I could possibly say to you today, cucumbers in hand, what I felt so strongly was how angry I was with you for not being 111% aligned with what’s calling you, and your work in the world. And as I have worked through my anger this morning, following the red thread back to my heart and gut and feeling into the boundary that’s been violated, I see so clearly what’s underneath that is my rage at myself. For being afraid of sitting still. For being afraid of so much energy. And for not completely saying yes when I see how much has come from moving forward in spite of my fear.

I’m so tired this morning. I’m so tired of young people getting hurt. I’m so tired of feeling helpless. I’m so tired of my excuses about what I think I can or cannot do.

I am sending this message to myself, because I need to hear it and commit it to my cells. Feel free to take if that serves you.

The world needs you. Now more than ever.

Fully lit up. Fully tuned in.

No more hiding. No more bullshit.


Stephanie LaganaComment