The Chocolate Frosting of My Suicidal Depression

My business would not be humming along the way it is today without the complete collapse of my practice spring 2017. Stick with me  ---

I came back from spiritual walkabout to India and promptly found the femur-long wait list of clients had evaporated. People suddenly had new obligations, eager private clients had unexpected financial difficulties, and on and on. 

It was, not to put to fine a point on it, utterly devastating. Emotionally and financially. 

Fewer than five weeks before I was walking up a mountain in India being swept into a sacred temple and feeling the touch of the Divine. I felt the blessing of the Goddess and committed myself to be a vessel for love and light and truth in the world.

My Spiritual Coaching Practice Collapsed

It was bitter to chew on the contrast as I sat, back in the US, pondering my pile of bills from my old life. Where was God? Where were my Guides? I was fortunate that I could keep my hands busy as my mind spun. I spent the days digging in the earth and tending plants. I spent my nights trying to keep myself anchored to life. (I'll tell the story of my time at the olive grove sanctuary that held me another day.)

My boyfriend and a very small number of people knew it was happening. He texted me every day to check in and offer words of support, helping me to remember myself. An unexpected and new local friend challenged me with recipes to bake and tried to keep me anchored to life. 

I Wanted to Die

I ate a container (or two?) of chocolate frosting each week and mournfully considered my options. The version of myself that I thought I knew was gone. The person who easily made money. The person who kept all her commitments. The person who excelled when others faltered. I was so connected. I was so Guided. Why couldn't I see the way through?

What was worse, so much worse, was the feeling that I couldn't say a single thing. The pressure was too great. I couldn't share it or reach out. And if I did talk about it, I thought the energy of the word 'suicide' would crush my business forever.

After more suffering than I care to discuss and more containers of frosting than I care to admit, I finally got it. In reflection it all sounds logical, even linear, but of course that's the mythology of hindsight. Living it felt like a roller coaster on acid.

Wholeness Was the Way

In order to move forward to be of highest service and fully claim my power I had to integrate both parts of me. 

I had deliberately kept the action-oriented, left-brained mover and shaker that was SO successful in my old career, at bay in my coaching business. I demonized her. It was easier to villify that part of me than to integrate it.  

Breaking Down Made Me Look At What I Refused to See

The thing is - my spiritual coaching practice was beautiful but it only reflected a part of me. It took the newer aspects of my abilities, the intuition, the channeling, the High Priestess, and it exalted that. But it left behind my ability to digest vast reams of data, my flair for slicing through bullshit and generating simple, clear plans of action.

In short, everything that supports what you now get when you sign up for the Incubator and have me as your back pocket business advisor for three months. 

This is the greatest wisdom that I can offer you, dear one. When ever you break down there is incredible insight, which is treasure waiting. But unless you look at it that way, you'll miss it.

Do What You Think You Cannot Do

Yes, I'd love to have you join my Incubator. Yes, I'd love to help you build a thriving practice that supports you. 

But most of all I'd love to help you create a life that feels as rich as what I am living now. Where all of you is deeply served and you Business is sourced in your Soul.

If you are considering this dear one, and you'd prefer to chat, or simply want to ask some questions, please let me know. I'd love that.

To your mastery,

Stephanie LaganaComment